China, Fairly Definite

In about 3 weeks I’m off to China to do an internship for one month.

I was going to do this last summer but the timing of my exams complicated things and I decided to postpone it till this year. I was never fully sure if it was actually going to happen, but now I find myself having successfully acquired a visa, plane tickets, and a bunch of other things (except, so far, somewhere to stay, whoops) so it looks like this is pretty definite!

I can’t wait! Cultures, languages etc… are what I love.

But anxiety-wise, this could be a bit of a ride.

I don’t really¬† know what to expect and I hope I’m not doing/going to do anything naive, having never done anything like this before and being woefully untravelled. I’m doing tonnes of research at the moment and trying to pick up a few bits of Chinese.

Yeah, so I’ll try and post stuff on here when I’m there.

Thoughts about this Culture and Shyness

So I was just doing some research on Western and Eastern ideas on “shyness”. Although the terms “Western” and “Eastern” might be a bit reductive, as no doubt individual countries and even regions have slightly different ideas about things, the impression I’m getting is that in Western cultures we usually see shyness as anti-social or rude, whereas Eastern cultures tend to see it as thoughtf Continue reading “Thoughts about this Culture and Shyness”

Overthinking Facebook

I should really make it a rule to not add anyone on Facebook, even if I {think I} know them well enough to be Facebook friends. I’m already a reluctant friend-adder. Definitely too much of an over-thinker for this.

Once I spent a year avoiding someone and feeling generally awkward over this same situation…. it’s kind of daft… And now I get to try and not repeat the same cycle all over. -.-

I'm usually too socially anxious to even do that. But when I do, I panic and think of cancelling it.:

Being Open about Anxiety for the First Time with Parents: Pt 3

So Part 1 was contextual waffle and Part 2 was about telling my mum. Predictably, Part 3 will be about telling Dad.

Telling Dad started off awkward, progressing to mildly comedic, progressing to absolutely fine.

By the time I got round to talking to Dad, it had been two or three weeks since telling Mum. This was because at the end of the Christmas holidays, I hadn’t found a good opportunity to bring up the subject with him and reluctantly postponed it till my next visit home. So I came back for a weekend and it got to Sunday afternoon, a few hours before I would be getting on a train back to my university town again, and I still hadn’t attempted it. So I figured I’d have to give up looking for the perfect opportunity and just out with it. Continue reading “Being Open about Anxiety for the First Time with Parents: Pt 3”

Being Open about Anxiety for the First Time with Parents: Pt 2

This is the part that is actually about me telling my parents I have anxiety. See part 1 for contextual waffle.

It was in the last couple of days before I was going to be moving back to university for Term 2 (just over a month ago). I was in the back room trying to study but thinking about anxiety (as per) and my parents were watching a film in the other room. I was mulling over the prospect of telling them about it for the umpteenth time and having just about come to the conclusion that I should tell them had got on to thinking about the how. Then I looked at my phone and the grade of my first essay of the year had come through. So I checked that and it turned out I’d got a C which wasn’t like me so I started panicking about the future and my grades and job prospects etc etc… And I felt so over the edge that I wanted to finally get anxiety into the open now without any further ado. But they were happily watching their film so I didn’t, I just sat there hyperventilating and staring at my laptop screen.

Then their film finished and my dad went to bed pretty promptly so my idea seemed to be blown. Mum was in the front room packing up Christmas tree decorations and I really just had to say something, even though this wasn’t the calm let’s-all-sit-down-together-and-I’ll-explain-that-I-have-anxiety-like-a-rational-human-being scenario that I’d intended. I composed myself a bit more and we Continue reading “Being Open about Anxiety for the First Time with Parents: Pt 2”

Being Open about Anxiety for the First Time with Parents: Pt 1

I hinted that this post was coming here, so here we go.

Context: It occured to me that I had social anxiety for the first time when I was 16 because I was really disturbed by the amount of shyness I was experiencing and this got me doing some intense googling on the topic. The idea that my extreme shyness met enough criteria to be classified as something called “social anxiety disorder” and that this was classified as a “mental illness” was probably the aspect of this which bothered me most, and to some extent still does. I feel like I’ve been thinking and perhaps overthinking this topic ever since then (the fact I have a blog about it makes that kinda self evident doesn’t it?) but in the following five years I’ve made a big thing of not talking about it (with one or two slight exceptions). Not out of any feeling of shame Continue reading “Being Open about Anxiety for the First Time with Parents: Pt 1”

Why I hate ice-breakers

Confession: I have been known to skip social events if I anticipate “ice-breakers” there.

So this one time two and a bit years ago (actually can I just round that up to three years to distance myself from the event please?) it was the start of second year of college, and it was the first Christian Union meeting of the new academic year. For the sake of the newly starting AS students we had ice-breakers. It was the “Tell people two truths and a lie about yourself and they guess what the lie is” game. I could not think of stuff on the spot just like that, especially not when I ended up having to play it in a group with a guy I had had the worst crush of my life on for like a year so far (and been too awk to talk to). I had written poems and diary entries galore about this guy, drawn his name in bubble writing, got into cheesy songs I previously had hated, the whole cringey lot, so now I was embarrassed before it even got to my turn to try and spin some witty little truths and lies.

I let the two other guys say theirs first obvs. I knew both of them already because we had been in the same English Language in the previous academic year. They were good mates with each other by now but I didn’t sit so near Continue reading “Why I hate ice-breakers”