Thoughts about how I Think: Past, Present, Future

There was a time when I was very stuck in the past at the expense of the present and future and by the time I realised all this it had messed with my thinking. Nowadays I don’t think I live with a thinking bias in any of these directions; I think about each one of them in a lot of depth.

I’ve got an insanely good memory when it comes to things that happened even a very long time ago; I can think back to things that probably should feel blurry now but actually I can remember vividly exactly how I felt and experienced consciousness in that moment. I attach a lot of emotional meaning to things I remember, even the smallest ones. I’ve a weird knack for remembering the exact year when a lot of memories happened without trying to- maybe I have a really chronological mind like that.

I’m acutely aware of the present too- I take in an insane amount of information about subtle things that are happening in a social situation as it’s playing out. It’s like I have a constant radar for figuring out how the people around me must be thinking and feeling. This is a useful skill but also can tend to hype up my social anxiety because sometimes it would be better not to know all these details… or have so many speculations about them, whichever it is.

And I don’t know if it’s starting to become obvious but I’m very much thinking about the future at the moment too. I seem to be having a mid-uni crisis where suddenly it’s going to be my final year of uni starting next September and I’d rather stay right here in this moment and ohnoworkexperiencecareersanxietyohno…

So does this make me well balanced or do I process all three far too deeply?

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Week 1 on Fluoxetine

I figured I might as well use this to log my experience with the medication I’ve been taking for anxiety.

This first week hasn’t been so hot for me, but I already knew that antidepressants can make it feel worse before it gets better.

Sooo

  1. I have had points where I’ve felt extremely anxious, on a new level than what I am used to. Most of this anxiety is not actually social anxiety but general worries about the future and worries about academic work which leads me on to the next one…
  2. My creativity has gone to pot and I am finding it extremely hard to write essays which are due after Christmas. The first night I had this was while I was experiencing a near hysterical level of anxiety about the future, so I couldn’t tell if the fact I was suddenly finding the act of stringing a sentence together a mammoth task was because of the anxiety or the medication. It might have been a mix of both but I guess you can’t re Continue reading “Week 1 on Fluoxetine”

A Little Bit Shell-Shocked

So having been a real worry-guts all this term and feeling like anxiety came back to get me, I went back to counselling today. I finished it in June and everything was much better then, so I felt a bit sheepish about coming back now.

I saw the same person as before, so at least it wasn’t someone totally new. I was really nervous, which was the first time I’d really visibly shown this in a counselling session (before I was very good at keeping my cool even if I didn’t feel like it).

The long and the short of it was, I explained the situation and he thinks I don’t just have social anxiety but “Generalised Anxiety Disorder”. That seriously unnerved me; I haven’t done as much research into GAD but I have it established in my head as something that’s a pretty big deal that I really don’t want to have.

I had been quite proud of the way I could figure out what was going on by myself ages before asking a professional (I figured out I had social anxiety about 4 years previously) so it was espe Continue reading “A Little Bit Shell-Shocked”