A Process of Nerves, aka “Stop Introverting and Go to Bed”

Here are the crazy positive and negative thoughts that were spinning round my head in the run up to the interview which I mentioned in my last post. I wrote them down in a book which I keep to show me where my thinking is going wrong or right. It is full of terrible syntax and grammar, for which I apologise! That’s because writing as I think makes sure I don’t cut anything important out. So, if you care to read a long-winded back and forth about nervousness, you can make of it what you will!

“Thursday:

Just found out I might have a Skype interview next Tuesday and I’m terrified (even though last time I did one it went well)

Friday:

Maybe if I think about this interview with an assumption that they’re probably going to accept me unless I say something absolutely shocking, I can jinx myself into feeling confident.

I mean essentially they’d be hiring me to do free labour anyway, it’s not like a long term paid job, is it?

I don’t know if this is the right approach but I’ll give it a go.

…And I get 2 more chances even if I do fail this one. But I still want to do my best.

Sunday:

I’m still doing a good job of keeping a cool head about the approaching skype interview.

But actually I will be so, so relieved when it’s over. I hope I pass this interview just so I won’t have to do another one with some other company…

I’m making preparatory notes like crazy. About stuff I already know, like why I’m interested in the internship and what my personal strengths are. Here’s hoping the interviewer halfway accross the world won’t notice me referring to my notes.

Later, 8:40pm

This time in 12 hours it will probably just have finished. And I will be breathing a sigh of relief brewing up a cup of tea and hopefully not cringing about anything I said.

I would say I’ll be going back to bed because 8am for an interview is a bit steep but no, I think the adrenaline will definitely have woken me up.

Eep, think happy thoughts and research like mad.

Later, 9:25pm

I have strength in myself and I have more than that too. And I have space to make mistakes. This isn’t the be all and end all.

Later, 10:26pm

The nervous part of me thought I don’t want to go to bed because then there’ll be nothing and then suddenly my alarm clock will go off and it’ll only be 2 hours until it starts and the sun will be coming up. But why do I need to make such a big meal out of it?

Later, 10:46pm

All the notes I’m taking make me feel like I’m revising for an exam on myself. Lists of my work experience, personality traits, interests, what I’m reading, why I want to do this and that. Trying to frame myself as an adult and a professional for it (joke)

They’re definitely making me feel more prepared, just in case I lose my tongue in the heat of the moment. Then I can look at my notepad and be like “Yeah I’d say I’m friendly, hard-working, open-minded bla bla bla”

Later, 11:03pm

Ach. Just reading over an article I sent the company as an example of my writing– I wrote it for English Lit A level. Found a bunch of grammar mistakes and long winded sentences! I got A* in it so I didn’t think I needed to check it thouroughly before I sent it off! Goodbye confidence :O

Later, 11:35pm: Alternative Thoughts:

I sent other writing as well which is stronger on the grammar front- I can offer to edit that piece and explain it’s strong for content but I’ve learnt to edit better in my first year of uni. I have other merits that can help me get in. If I don’t get in I still have other chances. This isn’t the be-all and end-all.

Stop introverting and go to bed.

Later, 12:16

– had a sudden urge to make sure I’d got the time of my interview right (because they gave me it in Beijing time the jokers) Turns out it’s 9am, not 8. More sleep for me then!

I can’t fix my mindset to be either positive or negative 100% now. It keeps going back to the grammatical errors and focussing on that. Silly brain.

Oh dear, I’m getting peckish.”

The interview was surprisingly short (5 mins, what?)  and left me with no idea what to make of it. But the upshot of it was I GOT IN! 😀

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